So, I have not gotten very far… in my goals, or hopes or my current dreams. I feel like I have fallen flat on my face and am having difficulty getting up, shaking the dust off, and trying new tactics. I feel like I have hit ‘rock bottom’…. as all that I want to do in this gray, gloomy, cold weather- is to hibernate until Spring!
Where did my energy & excitement go? How/Why did my encouragement fade? …and more importantly, How can I get it back??
I do not want to fade into this gray nothingness…. and yet, part of me says… it’s okay, it will be painless. Just accept your status quo. You will in time grow accustomed to this, and it will just numb you into complacency. …And it is not that you won’t have a life; you will. It just won’t be what you want. It will be what others want for you or even the ‘left-overs’ of life… scraping by paycheck to paycheck. Maybe even throw in a vacation to salve/bandage over the gaping wound of what it ‘should be’, as if this is supposed to somehow “fix” all the over 365 days of when it isn’t.
The other half of me says… fight it! Fight it! Don’t let it win! Go find someone who will hug you dearly & tell you it will be alright… just try this one new thing first, before giving up! Just you wait and see, you will come up on top!
And so, I am teetering precariously….
Instinctively I know that if I really do give up, then I have lost myself… lost my shred of hope, of dreaming, of what could (no, what it really SHOULD) be. If I drift into gray painlessness, then I allow others to rule my life; not me. If I allow others to rule me, then I lose my ‘Voice’. And then others will disrespect me, even though they say that they “love me or care about me”, because they can manipulate me. And as such, I should not forget this famous Quote: “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely…” – Lord Acton.
So, I am back here…writing it out. I am not a daily or even monthly blogger. I am honestly – inconsistent. My writing “sea-legs” are wobbly.
What I hope to accomplish by writing this, is to prove to myself, and anyone else reading this …is that I still have (1) small shred of myself that I am NOT willing to give up. That I do NOT want someone else to have control over my life; even it it seems to simplify it or make it more bearable. Yes, there are many types Curve-balls in life- some happy, some gut-wrenching. However, I need to focus on the fact that the glass is half-full (and not stray/isten to my usual pessimistic side that I hear from so many others).
I need to find new resources to draw from… from perhaps new friends, new colleagues, or new life experiences that will tip the needle into the positive more often. I need to allow myself / give permission to myself to make mistakes and not be ‘perfect’. It is okay to blur outside the lines. In some circles, it is even encouraged!
Also, if by some stroke of blessing / luck that I am able to pull myself out of this quagmire, and succeed…then I want to be able to help pull someone else out who is struggling also. Because we all need hope! God help us all!!
Thank you all for ‘listening’. May God give you hope, when you feel you have none. I am going to go out there and try (1) more time…
The Accidental Blogger 